Friday, February 18, 2011

A helpful tutorial

There are times when being a total ass can pay off.

Being sugary sweet and nice can get you pretty far most of the time (or get you out of speeding tickets for doing 61 in a 35), but it doesn't always cut it.  Sometimes you need to be firm, stand your ground and argue your point to get the desired result.

There is one place this will never be the case and that is in my office.  With that in mind, here is a friendly guide for anyone who interacts with a doctor and his staff:

How NOT To Suck As A Patient

  • If you have been coming to this office since the dawn of time, for the love of all that is good on this earth please do not complain about the wait.  This ain't your first time at the rodeo, cowboy, buck up.
  • If this is your first appointment and the referring physician's office warned you that your visit would be 2 - 3 hours, don't complain about the wait.  You were warned, you were given other options and you still chose us because, well let's face it, we rock.  Our physician is brilliant and our staff kicks ass.  Period.
  • We work a finite number of hours.  We have a much broader schedule than most physicians, but we still can only schedule patients within hours X and Y.  If you asked to be scheduled at Z we reserve the right to bop you over the head with an inflatable bat.
  • Don't bitch.  
  • Google is a wonderful research tool.  Hell, I'm an RN with a decade of hands on experience and I just Dr. Google for a lot, but even in all his infinite wisdom he does not trump the physician who has nearly 2 decades of education under his belt or his RN who has the aforementioned assets.  Yes, I realize the information listed on all the websites you researched spoke of the drug we want to treat you with as a treatment for another disease, but trust me when we tell you that it is nothing short of miraculous for the disease you have.  Yes, it is an off-label treatment, but everything has to start somewhere.  Viagra started as a cardiac medication and look at it now.
  • Don't bitch at me and then turn on the charm for the doctor.  It is annoying and will earn you no prime appointment slots in the future.  I have untold amounts of power in that particular arena.
  • If you are married and notice that the faithful and caring RN who has been wonderful to you for several years is no longer wearing a wedding ring, it probably isn't a good idea to ask her if she wants to have an affair with you.  The answer is no.
  • If you are single and have hit on said nurse at every blessed appointment you have and it has not resulted in a date, bow out gracefully.  A sixth attempt will yield the same result.  I promise.  I know me.
  • Finally, don't bitch.  Just don't.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Those stupid fat, flying babies

It's that time of year.  The world is covered in shades of pink and red.  There are hearts and teddy bears lining all the store shelves.  There is enough chocolate circulating to send the entire population of Baltimore into a diabetic coma.  It's the time of year for loud declarations of love and whispered sweet nothings.

Anyone else as nauseous as I am?

To be honest, I've never been one to swoon over Valentine's Day.  I'm not saying that out of the cynicism of a divorcee, but out of a true dislike for a corporately engineered holiday that plays on the emotions of those in like lust love to guilt them into spending even more money to prove how much they love their significant other.  I firmly believe that if you truly adore someone you should show that person every day through words, actions and gifts. But I digress.

In spite of my general apathy for the holiday, there are a few people in my life that feel the need to take this opportunity to solidify their place in my life.  It appears I have been pulled into playing the part for this holiday.

Luke is still present on the periphery of things.  I must admit that when Dan entered the scene, I pushed Luke towards the end of the line because my feelings just weren't as strong.  Apparently my lack of undivided attention to him hasn't been a total deterrent as I was surprised with an early Valentine's gift today at work.  It was clever and unique.  And very endearing.  Luke officially charmed me with that one.

And Dan... he has become rather ambiguous.  In one way or another - be it text, talk or email - he touches base every day.  If we are sitting at a table together, he will lay his hand on mine and rub his thumb across the back of my knuckles.  He gives every indication that he likes me, but aside from a few kisses he has not made any attempt to take things farther.  He seems content to be a casual date and nothing more.  The problem is that I like him.  I don't know how long I can dig this casual thing.