Friday, February 18, 2011

A helpful tutorial

There are times when being a total ass can pay off.

Being sugary sweet and nice can get you pretty far most of the time (or get you out of speeding tickets for doing 61 in a 35), but it doesn't always cut it.  Sometimes you need to be firm, stand your ground and argue your point to get the desired result.

There is one place this will never be the case and that is in my office.  With that in mind, here is a friendly guide for anyone who interacts with a doctor and his staff:

How NOT To Suck As A Patient

  • If you have been coming to this office since the dawn of time, for the love of all that is good on this earth please do not complain about the wait.  This ain't your first time at the rodeo, cowboy, buck up.
  • If this is your first appointment and the referring physician's office warned you that your visit would be 2 - 3 hours, don't complain about the wait.  You were warned, you were given other options and you still chose us because, well let's face it, we rock.  Our physician is brilliant and our staff kicks ass.  Period.
  • We work a finite number of hours.  We have a much broader schedule than most physicians, but we still can only schedule patients within hours X and Y.  If you asked to be scheduled at Z we reserve the right to bop you over the head with an inflatable bat.
  • Don't bitch.  
  • Google is a wonderful research tool.  Hell, I'm an RN with a decade of hands on experience and I just Dr. Google for a lot, but even in all his infinite wisdom he does not trump the physician who has nearly 2 decades of education under his belt or his RN who has the aforementioned assets.  Yes, I realize the information listed on all the websites you researched spoke of the drug we want to treat you with as a treatment for another disease, but trust me when we tell you that it is nothing short of miraculous for the disease you have.  Yes, it is an off-label treatment, but everything has to start somewhere.  Viagra started as a cardiac medication and look at it now.
  • Don't bitch at me and then turn on the charm for the doctor.  It is annoying and will earn you no prime appointment slots in the future.  I have untold amounts of power in that particular arena.
  • If you are married and notice that the faithful and caring RN who has been wonderful to you for several years is no longer wearing a wedding ring, it probably isn't a good idea to ask her if she wants to have an affair with you.  The answer is no.
  • If you are single and have hit on said nurse at every blessed appointment you have and it has not resulted in a date, bow out gracefully.  A sixth attempt will yield the same result.  I promise.  I know me.
  • Finally, don't bitch.  Just don't.


etoile said...

Hahah. I loved this. Hilarious. I will remember next time I'm at the doctor.

NP Odyssey said...

Too many of those patients over the years

Estelle Darling said...

What would it take to get this post printed and on a bulletin board in every doctors' office across the country?
Because there is a need for it. lol