A helpful tutorial

There are times when being a total ass can pay off.

Being sugary sweet and nice can get you pretty far most of the time (or get you out of speeding tickets for doing 61 in a 35), but it doesn't always cut it.  Sometimes you need to be firm, stand your ground and argue your point to get the desired result.

There is one place this will never be the case and that is in my office.  With that in mind, here is a friendly guide for anyone who interacts with a doctor and his staff:

How NOT To Suck As A Patient

• If you have been coming to this office since the dawn of time, for the love of all that is good on this earth please do not complain about the wait.  This ain't your first time at the rodeo, cowboy, buck up.
• If this is your first appointment and the referring physician's office warned you that your visit would be 2 - 3 hours, don't complain about the wait.  You were warned, you were given other options and you still chose us because, well let's face it, we rock.  Our physician is brilliant and our staff kicks ass.  Period.
• We work a finite number of hours.  We have a much broader schedule than most physicians, but we still can only schedule patients within hours X and Y.  If you asked to be scheduled at Z we reserve the right to bop you over the head with an inflatable bat.
• Don't bitch.  
• Google is a wonderful research tool.  Hell, I'm an RN with a decade of hands on experience and I just Dr. Google for a lot, but even in all his infinite wisdom he does not trump the physician who has nearly 2 decades of education under his belt or his RN who has the aforementioned assets.  Yes, I realize the information listed on all the websites you researched spoke of the drug we want to treat you with as a treatment for another disease, but trust me when we tell you that it is nothing short of miraculous for the disease you have.  Yes, it is an off-label treatment, but everything has to start somewhere.  Viagra started as a cardiac medication and look at it now.
• Don't bitch at me and then turn on the charm for the doctor.  It is annoying and will earn you no prime appointment slots in the future.  I have untold amounts of power in that particular arena.
• If you are married and notice that the faithful and caring RN who has been wonderful to you for several years is no longer wearing a wedding ring, it probably isn't a good idea to ask her if she wants to have an affair with you.  The answer is no.
• If you are single and have hit on said nurse at every blessed appointment you have and it has not resulted in a date, bow out gracefully.  A sixth attempt will yield the same result.  I promise.  I know me.
• Finally, don't bitch.  Just don't.

Those stupid fat, flying babies

It's that time of year.  The world is covered in shades of pink and red.  There are hearts and teddy bears lining all the store shelves.  There is enough chocolate circulating to send the entire population of Baltimore into a diabetic coma.  It's the time of year for loud declarations of love and whispered sweet nothings.

Anyone else as nauseous as I am?

To be honest, I've never been one to swoon over Valentine's Day.  I'm not saying that out of the cynicism of a divorcee, but out of a true dislike for a corporately engineered holiday that plays on the emotions of those in like lust love to guilt them into spending even more money to prove how much they love their significant other.  I firmly believe that if you truly adore someone you should show that person every day through words, actions and gifts. But I digress.

In spite of my general apathy for the holiday, there are a few people in my life that feel the need to take this opportunity to solidify their place in my life.  It appears I have been pulled into playing the part for this holiday.

Luke is still present on the periphery of things.  I must admit that when Dan entered the scene, I pushed Luke towards the end of the line because my feelings just weren't as strong.  Apparently my lack of undivided attention to him hasn't been a total deterrent as I was surprised with an early Valentine's gift today at work.  It was clever and unique.  And very endearing.  Luke officially charmed me with that one.

And Dan... he has become rather ambiguous.  In one way or another - be it text, talk or email - he touches base every day.  If we are sitting at a table together, he will lay his hand on mine and rub his thumb across the back of my knuckles.  He gives every indication that he likes me, but aside from a few kisses he has not made any attempt to take things farther.  He seems content to be a casual date and nothing more.  The problem is that I like him.  I don't know how long I can dig this casual thing.

SuperDad

One would think that someone such as I who is relatively intelligent would have learned from the multitude of bad blind dates to not accept the male type people friends suggest you date.  One would think, but sadly that one would be wrong.

When another loving friend's husband began pushing his friend in my general direction, I initially declined.  It was shortly after Luke came on the scene and I wasn't really interested in a blind date.  But, I caved and agreed to let him pass along my contact info to his friend that we will just refer to as SuperDad.

During the emails and phone calls that ensued, he indicated that he was a single dad to one boy, never married, worked in sales and had a fairly charming personality.  The inevitable coffee date was set for the following week.

As anyone who has done online dating and/or been set-up with nothing more than photographic evidence of their appearance can tell you, photos lie.  Or are slightly misrepresented as being current when, in fact, they are 10 years, 30 lbs and half a head of hair ago.  SingleDad, however, was fairly close to the pictures he sent save for a few more gray hairs.  It's all good though; I'm quite into older guys.

"Krista?  Hey!  It's great to meet you!"  He grabbed both of my hands and squeezed lightly.  He seemed very genuine and very sweet.

When he went to order our respective cups caffeinated goodness, I formed a first impression of "like".  It wasn't as strong as my initial like of Dan, but SingleDad was seeming like a viable candidate.

"Tell me about your son."  This is an excellent icebreaker for a single parent.  Not only will it start an easy conversation, but you can tell a lot about a guy by the way they talk about their kids.  If you mention their child and their face lights up and their voice takes on a distinct note of pride, they are worth getting to know.

"Not much to tell.  He lives with his mother."  No smile.  No change in his tone whatsoever.  We may as well have been discussing the weather.

I laughed lightly.  That was not the reaction I expected at all so I tried another tact.  "How old is he?"

There was silence for about a minute.  "I think five.  If not five then he will be soon."

I had to resist screaming out an incredulous, "You think????"  Okay, third time's a charm.  "How often do you get to see him?"

"I really don't want to see him.  His mother 'got pregnant on the pill'."  I'm not adding the quotes, he did those annoying little air quotes when talking about his ex's pregnancy.  "I didn't want to have kids and just because he was born doesn't make me suddenly want children.  I don't like kids and I especially don't like that one.  I pay what the court decided I should pay, she keeps the kid and everyone is happy.  Can we please talk about something else?"

"I don't think there is anything else to talk about," I said once I could form coherent words other than cold, heartless and bastard. 

A tale of two guys

As charming and promising as Luke is, we're far from "the discussion".  We talk in some form every day, we've gone on a few dates, but there hasn't been the slightest suggestion that this is anything more than casual.  Words like "future" haven't made a presence in our conversations.  Aside from some very nice make-out sessions, even the physical side has been pretty much at a standstill.

Then I got another one of those emails.  Unlike the many, many others I have snickered about as I hit the delete button, this one intrigued me.  It wasn't just one of those, "Wow look at all we have in common" things, but something I really can't explain made me want to get to know him better. 
Even as I sat in my own personal crack house waiting to meet him for the first time, I was questioning exactly why I was there.  I joined the online dating world in a fit of impatience and irritation.  Despite the fact that I know several very happily married couples who met through various online dating sites and some that are on their way to being part of the aforementioned happily married brigade, I didn't ever think it would be a viable option for a permanent relationship for me.  I saw it more as a way to have fun until Mr. Right v 2.0 came along.

My opinion changed over a hot white chocolate mocha that took 2 hours to drink.  Let me repeat that: I, the girl who lives on caffeine, who wants to create a national holiday to honor the birth of the founder of Starbucks, who can down a venti sized drink in less than 10 minutes did not touch my drink until almost an hour had passed.  I was completely engrossed in conversation (although a lot of it seemed to consistent of both of us saying "me too" or "I totally agree") to the point I ignored a steaming cup of flavored caffeinated goodness sitting right in front of me.

We set a second date for two days later.  For indoor rock climbing.  On a second date I was willing to get all sweaty and dirty in front of him.  A very, very out of character move for me.  I had a slight internal conflict when we met for this date: Should I play the role of the girl and let him win or should I be my normal uber-competitive self?  The beginning is as good of a time as ever for him to get used to me so I just let loose and climbed as fast as my short little legs would allow.  Didn't matter, he kicked my spandex-clad ass.  And he gloated about it relentlessly.  Yet another trait that I found pretty damn cute.
His name is Dan.  Yes, he gets a name already.

It's gettin' hot in here...

He walked up behind me and breathed lightly on my neck in that very precise way he knew would make my pulse speed up a bit.  He nipped my ear as he ran his fingers lightly down my arms.  "You looked amazing tonight."

I turned my head a little and smiled.  We both knew I had dressed specifically for him.  From the silver drop earrings down to the 3 1/2 inch strappy black shoes, it was all to make that playful gleam come to his eyes when he saw me. 

My fingers were itching to touch him; to spark the same fire in him.  When his hands circled my waist, I took the opportunity to turn to face him and wrap my arms around his neck.  I pressed my lips to his jawline and inhaled the spicy scent of his cologne.  Whether I walked past another man wearing this cologne or simply smelled it on a tester card, I knew I'd be brought right back to this moment in my mind.

His hands skimmed over the sapphire colored satin covering my hips.  "You have been driving me crazy all night."

"It's the dress."  I stroked the nape of his neck and laughed a little.

"The dress wasn't looking at me with those eyes and whispering dirty little secrets in my ear."  His hand found the zipper of the dress and slowly tugged it down.  "The dress didn't rub this body against me on the dance floor."  His hands dipped inside the dress, running along the curves from my shoulder blades to my hips and taking my dress with them to pool around my feet.

I released the buttons of his shirt and pushed it off his shoulders.  His broad shoulders looked so delicious in the low lamp light of the room, I couldn't resist trailing light kisses from his collarbone to his bicep. 

He backed me up against the foot of the bed, gently pushing me down.  His brown eyes darkened intensely as he laid down on top of me, the smooth wool of his pants tickling my legs.

I lightly moved a hand over his chest, running my fingers through his hair with the other and pulling him down for a kiss.

He pulled back long before I was ready to break the kiss.  "God I love you, Krista."

And then I woke up, just as alone as I had been when I went to sleep.  Yeah, the only action I've gotten for quite some time has been in my sleep.  Damn, this was a good one though.

Thank you, Mr. Edison

I had a bit of a light bulb moment tonight.  Considering my rapidly advancing age - dude, I turned 31 last month - these are few, far between and to be celebrated. ;-)  The recent actions of my ex hubby, the lack of closure with Reid and my new possible venture Luke (yes, football RNG gets a name, he has some potential) have made me pensive.  I've realized I'm the common denominator causing some of the issues here.

But, let's first recap the latest:

The ex
My ex seems to be contrite.  He has played the "I'm so sorry, please forgive me and don't divorce me" card a couple of time during this process, but he is different this time.  He's not pleading for forgiveness.  He's not acting like an ass.  He's not openly coming onto me and trying to entice me into having sex with him again.  He's just being the sweet, caring, thoughtful guy I married.  This is far more dangerous for my emotional well-being.

Reid
Reid isn't going away.  To the point I'd use the words "fixated" and "obsessed".  My birthday is shortly before Christmas so it is easy for it to be overlooked, but he was one of a handful of people who remembered my birthday.  I thought that was sweet and considering the fact he spent quite a bit of money on my gift, I was even more impressed.  Then he also bought an expensive Christmas gift for my son and I which kinda started to border on creepy.  The last straw has been the constant texts and emails.  Everyday there is at least one email and half a dozen texts.  Yes, we've officially crossed into stalker territory.

Luke
He really is the one who brought about the recognition that something is wrong with me.  He's an absolute doll.  We have had some amazing conversations, he has a great sense of humor and about a million other good qualities I could sit here and list, but for some reason I kept looking for faults.  I kept coming up with things like, "He isn't as into football as I am and that is important to me" or "He doesn't seem to keep up with current events and seems okay with that".  Nit-picking, plain and simple.

I keep comparing Luke, Reid and every other guy I've even considered dating to Mr. Perfect.  Him.  This ideal mate who is unattainable and will never be a reality for me.  I tell myself that Reid wasn't as fun as I'd like him to be, but the truth is that Reid isn't as fun as he is.  I tell myself that Luke doesn't click with me and doesn't give me the butterflies I want to have, but the truth is that Luke doesn't affect me the way he does.  I'm finding it has less to do with what is wrong with them and more about what is right with him.

So what's a girl to do?

Disappointment, confusion, quandry and disease. Oh my!

Three days before Christmas Eve, I once again donned my big girl panties and decided to invite the ex to spend the night Christmas Eve so that he could be here for The Moment.  In no way could I predict what time my 2 yr old would wake up on Christmas morning, so spending the night would be the only way to assure that he wouldn't miss seeing our son come down the stairs to the site of the tree overflowing with gifts.  To continue the shockingly mature behavior he has exhibited the past couple of weeks, he accepted and thanked me for the offer. 

He showed up a little after 3:00pm.  Now, this is notable because on numerous occasions he has intentionally arrived after our son's bedtime.  Father of the year he is not... most of the time.  As he walked in, however, he said he hoped I wasn't upset by the fact he was there early, but he missed his son and wanted to spend some extra time with him.

I try to be tough.  I was raised with brothers and all their friends who treated me more like one of the guys than a princess, so I learned early to suck it up.  But this holiday season had been very emotional for me from the onset.  This is the first Christmas since I was in high school that I didn't have a someone in my life.  This would be the first Christmas my son would have an idea of what was going on and his parents would be there as separate entities rather than a couple who loved each other.  Seeing my ex step up and be a caring dad was not helping the soppy, sentimental Krista stay in line.

After we (and I must reiterate, the fact there was a "we" because my ex was whole-heartedly participating is novel to say the least) put the little elf to bed, I began the marathon wrapping and assembling production.  I had such good intentions to have everything wrapped in the days before, but life has a funny way of disrupting all my plans.  Without a moment's hesitation, my ex jumped in and helped assemble our son's "big gift" and gently reassured me that the boy would be thrilled with that gift as well as all his others when I started to cry at the realization that parts were missing.

Christmas was amazing.  My ex was right and my son was so delighted by the stacks and stacks of gifts under the tree - and the attentive daddy helping him open and play with each new toy - that the fact a few accessories were missing from the main gift didn't faze him at all.  So many times throughout the day I actually had to remind myself of the events of the past 9 months and remember that we weren't the Norman Rockwell family that we appeared to be.

My ex stayed over Christmas night as well and spent the entire next day playing with our little man.  To say my son was happy would be the understatement of the year.  Despite the lack of desire to be a parent lately, my son absolutely adores his daddy and misses him desperately.  This was, quite possibly, the best day he's had in his little life so far.

Unfortunately I wrapped up Christmas weekend by waking up at 2:44 am on December 27 with the nasty bug that has been going around.  The bug that is so horrible I wound up losing 9 lbs in a day from being sick.  The bug that was bad enough to force me to call the ex a little after 3am to beg him to come back and watch our son because there was no way I could be mommy while I was that sick.  I should add I only pleaded for his assistance when phone calls to my mom went unanswered.  I have a lot of issues with asking for help to begin with and to ask my ex is something I'd only do with my back firmly against the wall.

He did the 15 minute drive from his place to mine in under 10 minutes.  He not only did 100% of the parenting duties for our son through the night and the entire following day, he waited on me hand and foot.  He did a Gatorade/Lysol run in the middle of the day when I could finally tolerate liquids.  He took my temperature, kissed my forehead and was nicer to me than he has been in over a year.

He has thoroughly confused me and left me wondering what my moves should be in the new year.